28/04/2008

It's been about a year since I posted this list, which still hangs on my wall. I am very happy to find that I have fulfilled a good many of them, and gotten a great deal closer to others. Here are some I feel I have completed.

I want to paint the walls cream coloured and cover them with everything under the sun.
they're not cream coloured, but they are just covered in lovely things.
I want people to know my name at the coffeeshop and the bookstore and the thrift store.
I was overreaching here. Knowing my name is too hard. But they all recognize me. At the coffeeshop, I am the girl who comes in and draws artcards and drinks chai and leaves random artworks on the tables. At the bookstore, I am the girl who sneaks around in the very back of the maze and leaves artcards in the chapbooks. At the thrift store, I am the militant girl who looks through all the racks, starting with the dresses.
I want to laugh in the rain.
The rain is mine. I own it. I even cause it sometimes.
I want to be at home, alone.
Loneliness never worries me. Even when I don't want to be alone.
I want it to be just right.
This took a while. But I truly am perfectly content with where I am, especially the discontent parts. Being discontent with some things is just right. Not being totally happy is right- it is living.
I want to know at a glance how everyone fits into me.
Sometimes I worry if I judge people too quickly. But I sometimes suspect I can read people's very souls in a two-second look. (But sometimes they still surprise me, which is good also.)
I want to sing.
This one came pre-fulfilled. I was born singing.
I want to know which troubles are truly troubles.
This is like the 'just right' thing. I know now that the things that are wrong in my life are really overwhelming right because there is Jesus and because there are lost and destitute and broken people.
I want mothers to smile at me.
They do. They don't know I have designs on stealing their children and cuddling and playing with the to my heart's content.
I want musicians to watch me.
The right kind, too. Indie musicians have become my kin.
I want to make good food.
I still don't have enough time for cooking with school and work, but I do love to cook things.
I want to be understood. I want to have no need for understanding.
Being misunderstood is an idea invented by teenagers. But a lot of you lovelies who read this are the people who make me feel as if my soul isn't the least bit alone. You understand me, and I love you for it.
I want to sit in places no one else sits.
This is so much mad fun.
I want to be the girl who looked different yesterday.
Somehow in the last year I developed a penchant for wearing costumes instead of outfits. I am usually dressed up as something that is not what I was dressed up as yesterday.
I want to own a little piece of earth where sanity and insanity do not quibble.
I'm not sure I own any actual pieces of earth... but sanity and insanity are becoming better friends each day.
I want simple pleasures and pleasures no one else enjoys. I want common pleasures and uncommon pleasures.
I have them.
I want a blank notebook with cream colored pages that I can fill with everything under the sun.
I have it. It is lovely.
I want a collage.
I am almost made of collage.
I want to busk.
I haven't done any official make-money busking, but playing music for the public in the city has transpired.
I want the windows open.
They are usually open.

--
here are all the incompletes:
I want my own apartment- urgently.
I want not to forget.
I want to support myself with art.
I want to know how to sew.
I want to own the streets I walk down.
I want to drive away whenever I feel like it.
I want to improvise.
I want a wicker loveseat that the sun shines on, with illustrious cushions.
I want to dance when I walk and when I stand still.
I want to stay up late talking.
I want to have teacups.
I want to care.
I want to hold someone's hand.
I want to wake up because I can, not because I have to.
I want to speak, I want to speak what I want to speak. I do not want to speak incompletely. I do not want my words to fail others.
I want to be the girl that you saw walking by and couldn't forget.
I want to be the girl that walked by and smiled.
I want to be the girl who helped.
I want to have no reason to close myself.
I want to fear no frightening thing.
I want to change the world in small ways.
I want to love freely.
I want to have somewhere to go.
I want to be faithful to my thoughts. I do not want to be a hypocrite. I want to love my enemies.
I want to play songs; I want never to be asked to stop.
I want to find all the things that belong to me.
I want to give.
I want to rise above.
I want to talk unafraid.
I want to meet the eyes I couldn't meet.
I want to please the old men and women.
I want to please my mother and father.
I want to please my God.
I want to please myself.
I want to be the girl you had to tell everything to.
I want to be satisfied not to know all the answers.
I want to satisfy others with not knowing.
I want to be content, not knowing what to say.
I want to be kissed.
I want to be remembered.
I want to be loved.
I want to be the girl who didn't assume too much.
I want to wear a dress.
I want to put more into the world than I take out of it.
I want to not be categorized.
I want to make people brave.
I want to make people happy.
I want to be humble.
I want to say good night, good morning, goodbye.
I want to know stories.
I want to laugh until it hurts.
I want to cry for people.
I want to sacrifice.
I want to understand philosophy and art.
I want to think about what I am saying.
I want to be the girl who didn't hurt you.
I want to be full.
I want to be a remedy.
I want to be moved.
I want to make the tired commuters smile.
I want to make the powerful think twice.
I want to think twice, ten times, a thousand...
I want to not steal.
I want my bed to be waiting for life.
I want the sun to shine in patches in my apartment.
I want my own to be proud of me.
I want to be quiet enough.
I want laughing people to include me.
I want to do, make, say, think.
I want to be sensible. I want to be poetic.
I want to know when to laugh at myself. I want to not always laugh then.
I want to make people talk to me straight. I want to answer straight.
I want to turn around and find you waiting there.
I want to need nothing but Jesus.
I want to need Jesus so badly it hurts.
I want to balance ideas.
I want to help needy people.
I want to wear a red dress and a teal cardigan.
I want you to be happy because of me.
I want to make you happy in yourself.
I want you to be happy with me.
I want to be happy in me.
--
of course I know most of these are lifelong projects. That is incalculably good. I love to be alive.